11-28-22 Pleasant today...and yet remains the same

It was just Thanksgiving. Nic came to visit and is here until Wednesday. We just had a huge Thanksgiving meal of 18+. Then Nic and I went to a Zeds Dead concert after. I forced everyone to stay awake until 7am because sleeping is more scary than staying awake and letting the night last forever. 

Every night I think if i could just never sleep then nothing bad would meet me in the morning. If there is not morning to have then I am safe from pain. I have always felt comfort in the night.  Nothing can touch me then. This is a completely delusional way to think and yet I struggle with this every night.

Example being tonight... it is 3:49 and I feel more protected than any other time of day.  Free from responsibly, free of life's pains, free of the reality that morning brings.

Yet the morning always comes and I am worse off facing the day with tired eyes. Still though my tired eyes bring me peace. They are an excuse to face my reality with a weaker constitution. If I am exhausted then it is not my fault for only being at 50%.  It is the worlds fault for throwing challenges toward me when I am not prepared to face them. And so this cycle has been since I can remember.  Never getting better, never changing, never taking responsibility for my actions.